Hold the Waterworks Please

Today I thought about where I am on my journey as a birthmom. No, I am not where I want to be. I thought that I would be farther than I am, 3 years later. I hate that I tear up everytime I talk about Dylan or tell my "story". I know I have alot of unresolved emotions about the adoption. I was so very strong about the adoption, right up until the birth. After the birth I seemed to become another person.
I don't regret one aspect of the adoption I just wish that I didn't have to make such a decision. I feel guilt. I have never been one to walk away form a difficult decision. Choosing adoption wasn't an easy decision but at the same time I was 21 weeks pregnant, I didn't have 9 months to decide. I felt like I was using the express lane when it came to making a choice to either parent or choose adoption. Knowing that I will never have another child may have something to do withit but I wish I could get through a conversation without wanting to cry. I truly love Dylan's parents & I know I made the right decision but DANG!! I should be able to get over telling my story.

Shame

I know alot of birthmoms regret that they were unable to parent their child. Some were young & neither had the resources or support to raise a child. I understand. When you hear of someone who chooses adoption they usually fall somewhere in that category.
When I decided to choose adoption the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I still feel guilty & I don't think I ever will get over it. Here I was, a healthy, happy, employed, in a committed relationship & I couldn't parent my child??
I have many reasons but one of them was "our" ages. I didn't want to be old & running behind a toddler. B-dad is 7 years older than I am so age was even a bigger concern. He too is healthy, happy, employed but.....
I know I have been asked "WHY" alot, especialy when I tell people (adoption forums, blogs)my story & my age. They just assume because I wasn' a teenager why did I think adoption was the right choice..
I sometimes think that maybe I should of given it more thought but I don't know how to get beyond it.I question yself almost everyday, "did I do the right thing"? Did I take the easy way out (parenting is a hard job).I guess I thought the pain & grief would be short lived compared to raising a child for 18 + years but ????? Some days my pain is so fresh, it feels like it was yesterday!! Do I regret my decision? NO! Do I wish I never had to make the decision I did?? YES!! Would I do anything different?? NEVER!!
I do wish though, that I could of been more up front with my decision of adoption. I think being able to share with others helps with the pain. We walk around with a huge hole in our heart,but we have to put on a happy face for others because we don't want them to know why we are so sad. Adoption has changed but the one thing that hasn't is the SHAME!!!

I have thought about where I am now versus where I was after the birth of my son.
When I first realized that I was pregnant I wanted to crawl under a rock & hide until after the birth. WHY??? Not because I was ashamed or didn't love my child but what was ahead of me. I work where your life is everyone's business (if you let it). I knew that I was making the best decision for my child but I didn't want to explain to everyone at work my decision. I know that it wouldn't be accepted & I didn't need that stress. I just never spoke of my ever expanding belly. Hence the saying "the elephant in the room", I was the elephant. I had people whispering about my condition. I had one girl ask me are you pregnant? My reply: No, I am just fat. I was always on guard....
I was worried that a co-worker would have a baby shower for me. Everytime someone looked like they wanted to ask me a question I would walk away or act like I was mad so they wouldn't approach me. I felt so good about my decision but not good enough to share it?? I actually had to go to human resources to complain that my "personal business" was my business & I was tired of people asking questions on my condition.
My heart sank everytime a birth announcement was posted by a fellow co-worker. I knew I wasn't going to do that either. Some people would ask me what I was having or when I was due (those people did not work close to me so they have no idea the cold shoulder I was giving off.
One thing that happened (or didn't) was the fact that I live in a small town & not one of my extended family members or friends ever came over or did I run into them while I was out running errands. I didn't actualy hide form people it just happened that our paths never crossed (divine intervention) I believe so. The hard part for me was going back to work. I didn't bring my baby to work to show off to my co-workers, I didn't bring pictures to share or brag what a good baby he was..Tears are forming just writing those words. It hurt to not have a baby to bring home but to not be able to share the awesome family he had hurt too.
I actually only told 3 people of my plans. My mom was 1 of the 3 & the only family member that knew. Today my sister can be added to that list & she just found out earlier this year. The internet has opened up the world of adoption for me. I would of never found the support without it...
Will I ever feel that I can share my decision of adoption with others ???

Here is a quote can I think is so true for birthmoms & adoption in general.

How many people can you find to love your child? Each one is a gift to your child from YOU.

reprinted from KIDBIZ newsletter, on an ezine by childcare, author and speaker, Patricia Dischler.
That hit me like a ton of bricks!! Yes, I chose every person who is in my child's life. That is power!! I just love my child's family & I think I did good job but it does not take away the pain of missing him or being his mom.
I don't regret my decision but it is so hard & at times the pain seems to hit me like it was yesterday. I still relive the moments right after his birth & right before he left the hospital with his mom & dad. I think I was numb (and still think I am at times).
I do wish that I had the kind of adoption where EVERYONE in my family knew & we could talk about it. I am sure it is painful for my mom but how does she think I feel???
I pray for the day that my son thanks me for the wonderful life he had... Until then**********

The past few days have got me to thinking what a burden we carry as birthmoms. Maybe burden isn't the correct description but for me I think it fits.
I was asked to tell my adoption story, so it could be published on a blog . I asked my first initial of my name & my child's name be used, not our full name. I was asked "why"??? Why leaves the door open for more than a simple answer. Because.......
As a birthmom we are looked down in the adoption triad. Oh, we gave a family a wonderful gift but when we try to tell others why we chose adoption they don't understand. The first thing
that most people say is "I could never give up my baby"!! I am so tired of hearing that. We don't go out & get pregnant just so we can "give our baby away".
Well back to the orignial point. The adoptive parents are so wonderful, for adopting a baby that is not their bio child. What a wonderful thing they have done. People think they are like saints. The adoptee, they are either exalted or pitied. How wonderful it was that you were given such a wonderful life or it must be awful for you, not knowing your "real parents".
The birthmom is the only one in the triad that has to "explain herself for the rest of her life. I have chosen to be a "secret birthmom" for this reason. If you know me, you probably know my reasons. I get tired of explaining all of the reasons why, this was the case when I told a few of my family members. Before this I thought that birthmoms didn't like their children, that is why they chose adoption. Was this God's way of opening my eyes??? Funny, right???
Don't think I would trade my experience for anything but if I was given a choice I wouldn't of chose this path. These past few years have been filled with joy but also with sorrow. Open adoption doesn't mean you will never ache for your child, you will never hear them cry in your sleep or wake up from a dream, tears wet on your pillow.
That is my rant for today. Hope you understand me a little better (or not)...

Why I keep this a secret

I know that my life has changed since getting pregnant & placing my son with his forever family. I will not say that it was easy. I tried to put the whole situation out of my mind. I tried to distance myself from the pregnancy. I thought of this child as someone else's. Why?? I didn't want to get attached because I knew if I did I wuldn't be able to go through with the adoption plan. You think that I should of just parented and not put myself through the heartache & pain that I did?? I wish it was that easy for me. I knew that decision I made was made for my son & what was right for him. I wanted so much more than I could give him. Financial is not the only thing I wanted for him. My life wasn't the greatest & I lacked some very important parenting skills. I was thankful I had the presence of mind to recognize that. A child is a precious person & you can't undo the damage that is once done. I am living proof of that. I am sure throughout this blog you will see some of the same phrases repeated over & over again but it is hard to get people to understand why we do what we do.