Saturday, June 4, 2011

My Life After Adoption

I have not posted in a while. Adoption is up front and center in my life 90% of the time.. I don't like it but it is what my life has become.
Before my pregnancy I had no real worries. I had a job, which I liked, a few friends but nothing pressing that would change my life like being pregnant and placing my son with his forever family.
I now think of when my next visit will be,what gifts I need to buy for birthdays or Christmas...
I can't go into a store without going to the clothing & looking what "he" might like or to the toys to see if I might find something that he would love. I have to remind myself that he is NOT my child & I can't provide those things that his parents do.
During this year's retreat in Charlotte I was talking with a fellow birthmom and she said something to me that made me stop and say "Yes, that is what I am doing. She said the reason that I find myself buying things for D is because I am trying to make up for not parenting him.. So True!! Guilt is a part of who I am now and I think I will ALWAYS carry that with me.I wish I could move beyound this but it is how it is for me now.I try to do things that make me happy but it is hard knowing that you have given birth to a child that you will never parent.I was always o.k. with not having children (before adoption) but after it happens you totally think differently. Do I regret my decision?? NO!! I always say and will say until the end "I wish I never had to make the choice I did".Adoption is alife changing event and you come away a different person forever. You think differently about mundane things.. Those thibgs that you thought were important seem trivial now. You are always thinking of the future. I find it hard to live in the moment. Happiness doesn't escape me but it has changed me. I plan events around other people's schedules, likw I said before, visits are sooo important and you don't make plans for yourself because you need to be available for any unplanned visits.I sometimes think that happiness is different now that I have a child, even though I am not a parent...