I first want to make sure that what I am about to post is MY opinions and not what I think others should do in their adoption in relation to openness.
I have thought alot lately about the last 5 years. Yes, it has been 5 years since I placed the one person who I love more than anything else, into the arms of the 2 people who I trusted would love and care for him as much as I would. So far I was right !!
I think back to the first few weeks how my mind raced. My thoughts were so negative that I thought I would never be able to see or hold him again. I never had a doubt of the relationship we would form before the birth but once I went home empty handed my mind played tricks on me.
No matter what was said I thought I made a mistake and my heart was broken and I would never be the same.
Present day - We have the relationship that I was told we would have. Maybe not exactly the way I thought it would unfold but now I realize it is the best for all.
I don't get to babysit him or his sister(or his new brother just a few weeks old). I don't get to "stop by" when ever I want (we live 3 hours away), nor do I get a set schedule of visits every few months. I will tell you what I do get though.....
I get to share in his birthday celebration every year since his birth (except his 1st because his mom was in the hospital giving birth to his sister). I get to see him around the Christmas holiday every other year (he spends every other Christmas with family out of state). I can call whenever I want (I don't call often though) and I am friends with his parents on Facebook so I see any pictures posted and can keep up with goings on with him and his family.We do try to get together at least once in the summer (I have went to visit on occassion if I get the need ).
I think we hav boundaries and I like it because he knows I am a special person in his life, not just someone who comes over to babysit or to pop in whenever I think he needs to see me. The visits are pre arranged so he knows that we (birthdad & me) are coming and he is told who I am before we get there (which I am sure he knows by now but to make it a special visit).
Do I wish I was included in ALL of his specials moments (baptism, his first's ) ? I would be lying if I said no but I understand that I chose his parents and in doing so I acknowledge that they are doing the best job and they need to be his parents. It is nice to be able to share in his life bbut I think as a birthmom we forget we CHOSE adoption for a reason. We can't co-parent and we need to allow the parents to parent and understand they are doing what they think is right for all of those involved.
Does being allowed unlimited access diminish how important we are to our children? Do they assume we are just another parent ? Open adoption is new to many and not alot of data is available on this "openness". I never thought I would believe that in the beginning of this adoption I would be saying that I would be happy with the amount of contact I have with son. I understand everyone has varying degrees of openness but I think we need to be grateful for what we do have as some have ZERO contact.