Friday, October 22, 2010

This is Why...

As a birthmom, we carry alot of pain placing a child for adoption. We chose adoption because it was the best choice for our child.
Having hateful & hurtful comments aimed towards us cements my decision to live my life as a birthmom in secret!!!
How would you accept me if you knew who I really was??? Being a birthmom is a part of who I am, not what I am...
Until you are faced with a decision as serious as choosing what is best for your child, you will never know how we struggle with our decision.. Calling us names doesn't change a thing. Maybe trying to put yourself in our shoes for a minute maybe you can see what we see...
Do not question our love for our children.. Do not assume we are cold hearted. We chose life!! A cold hearted person would never be able to make that choice..
You may not agree with our decision but you do have to RESPECT US!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

3 years ......

I never thought I would be in such a sad state right now...
Attended the birthday party. I held it together but it was hard.
Everytime I look in those eyes I can't help but wonder what could of been.
I feel like I repeat myself so much but I don't regret my decision but at the same time I wish things could of been different.
I know that he has everything I couldn't give him & he has the life I wish I had had growing up.Yes, I feel good about where he is but I wish I could be the one who was his mother. Whew!! That was a revelation!!
On another note, I had a nice chat with a-mom. I told her of my fears of things changing in our open adoption, why I chose adoption & how grateful I was for what a great mom she was.
When I first explained why we chose adoption it was taken at face value but now that we have had time together with the children, she said I was great with the kids etc.. True but that is a few hours versus 24 hours a day. Funny how things look normal but inside you know that you can't pull it off.I will never regret my decision & am at peace with who his parents are but like I have said all along "I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE SUCH A DECISION AS TO PARENT OR NOT TO PARENT..
Parenting to me is the most important job you could ever be asked to do. I think that some people take it lightly. Not me.. Do I think I lack the skills it takes to be a good parent You Bet!!
I look forward to being a part of my son's life but not as his parent. It is difficult to be a birthmom because we have no manual on what not to do or what to expect..I hope that as time goes on things will get easier....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy Birthday ??????

I am thinking of my little guy today. Today is his 3rd birthday. Funny how time gets away from us.
This birthday is a little easier than last year and I expect that next year when #4 comes around will be a little easier then this one.
Celebrating a child's birthday is a happt time unless you are a birthmom. You reflect on the child you gave life to that day but the rest is really bitter sweet. My heart gets heavy close to his birthday. I think of the year gone by. I think of all of the tings I missed out on. I wonder what new & exciting things he will say & do. I wonder if he will remember me going to his birthday party, sharing his specail day with his family??
Being a birthmom is difficult but tis is one of the most difficult time for me. I don't know what to feel or how to react to the whole birthday celebration. I gave him life so do we celebrate me as his mother or do we celebtate him with "his" family??? There would be no "him" without me. Does that sound selfish??? As a birthmom we are celebrated & worshipped UNTIL we give birth & pass our child to their waiting parents & then all attention is on the baby & we are forgotten. Our job is done, needed no longer. That is how I have felt (mostly after the birth & around birthday).I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. Birthmoms are so misunderstood. We can't explain to family & friends who have no idea what we feel. Remember, we chose adoption soooo they think we have no feelings & should feel no pain.I don't share my feelings with many people (unless blogging)so alot of what I feel is "a secret". I am hoping one day that I will be able to share & feel proud of being a birthmom.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

3rd Birthday

Tomorrow will be 3 years ago that I gave life to the most important person I have ever laid my eyes on. When I think back to the beginning, I can't imagine where I would be in this journey. Birthdays are hard & it does bring back that forst day all over again.I am sad but also happy that I can see how he has grown & what a loving family he has. Choosing adoption is the hardest thing I have ever had to do & being that you are mostly alone in your decision doesn't help. It is moments like this (birthdays) when people who do know may not understand why you hurt.You made a choice that will bring you both joy & deep pain for the rest of your life????

It is these times when I wish that I could share more with those who know me what do not "know".. My heart will bw heavy this week & I hope that I can get through it.