Tuesday, July 20, 2010

to support or not to support

I have had alot of time to think about why I chose the decision that I did. I have chose to keep it a secret because of all the negative comments I would receive. Case in point... I have a friend who has been there through it all. Happy or supportive of my decision ? NO!! It has come to a point where we have had our diferences & the underlying reason is MY DECISION to place my child.I don't expect everyone to understand or accept my choice but this person KNEW why I had no children up to this point & I thought she understood. She looks at me differently. You would think I killed someone. I am the same person I was before pregnancy.
I understand how difficult it is for a woman to want children but is unable to have them. Blame me??? I say not. I will not be held responsible for her inability to bear children. I feel her pain & understand her hurt but I feel like I had to be HER support during my whole pregnancy. We did have a few issues then & I was put under alot of stress.At times I feel like I haven't really grieved my loss because of all of the drama during and after my pregnancy.
This is an issue we birthmoms deal with. Some friends just don't get it & fall away. Others try to be supportive but they don't understand the pain of losing a child & still others don't understand why you have changed. Giving birth changes you. You look at alot of things differently & you are not or ever will be the same person again.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

being pregnant

How did I keep my pregnancy a secret??? Yes, co-workers knew of my pregnancy but they never asked about the baby & I never offered any information. I know that alot of my co-workers know I chose adoption but it was never discussed with me (still isn't today).
In my small community I never tried to hide my pregnancy but it just worked out to where I never ran into anyone while I was pregnant.
We chose a nearby hospital, not one in our community though. Same with the doctor, close by but not in my community.
I remember going to the doctor for the first time. I called the office & asked if a woman doctor was available. Once that was established I explained that I was choosing adoption & I needed the doctor to understand my position. I was so conditioned that adoption was an AWFUL thing to do that I thought I would be treated differently than other pregnant mothers. How wrong I was!!! I had a wonderful midwife. She understood my decision & was very supportive of me. It was hard going to the doctor, sitting in the waiting room, looking at all of those pregnant women, knowing I was one that wasn't going to be coming back with my baby to show off to the office staff. It broke my heart to see a young pregnant girl come into the office with her mom (or sometimes her father). She was so innocent looking & the idea of giving birth & raising a child hasn't really
set in yet. Oh yes, a little baby is so cute but the road ahead will be difficult & change her life forever. Here I was a grown woman, in a committed relationship choosing a different path for my child. I should be the one parenting my child & this young girl should be choosing adoption for her child.
I don't regret my decision but many times I wish I wasn't in the position to have to make such a decision..
I did have a easy pregnancy. No real issues. I never had morning sickness, or weird cravings to speak of. Pregnancy for me was easier than it was for othe women I had talked too.
Did I have concerns about my pregnancy ? YES!! I had had no prenatal care for almost 5 months. I ate pretty well, didn't drink or smoke. I was lucky I guess. I wasn't careful about lifting heavy objects, being clumsy (fell of my bicycle at about 4 months, which I didn't know I was pregnant).

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Life As A Birthmom......

III I could of never imagined how my life would change in 2007. I became a different person, FOREVER!!
I became pregnant at the ripe age of 42. Never before had I experienced being pregnant so I think I was in denial for the first few months. Weight gain was passed off as over eating. Missed periods were dismissed as early menopause, as I had no other children so I figured by body was just responding as such.
I found out I was pregnant almost 5 1/2 months later.
Here I was hitting middle age with my boyfriend, who was just as shocked as I was. We had been together for 12 years. We had talked about not wanting children. We liked being able to take off on a whim & being that our relationship was new 12 years ago, we thought this was best.We both had not so rosy childhoods & this was yet again a good reason we chose not to have children.
Fast forward to 2007. We decided to choose adoption. Our decision was the absolute most heart wrenching decision we have ever made in our lives. If you are a birthmom you know exactly how it feels to make such a difficult decision.
I can come across people who think that birthmoms "give up" their children without a backwards glance. I want you to know that that is far from the truth.
Hence is the title for my blog. As a birthmom we are looked down upon, when we are found out. We feel proud of our decision but as a society, you don't look fondly at us.
If you passed me on the street tomorrow, you would never know my secret. You may even smile & speak" hello" or say "thank-you" as I hold the door open for you. We as birthmoms are looked down upon just as a women is that comes out of a clinic, which performs abortions... You believe in life...I do too!!! I want to be able to share my story of the wonderful family I placed my son in. I can't!! I am judged as a bad person.. This is why I have to share my secret as a birthmom here......