I had a visit last night with kiddo. I was anxious (as always) but not like I have been in the past. I was there to celebrate his b-day the first of October so it hadn't been very long since I had seen him.
I enjoyed myself. Playing with kiddo & his younger sister. I can't get over how big he has gotten since he had his tonsils out in October.I am somewhat numb. I was ready to leave, chatted for a few minutes and was off.This visit was a little different for me than the others.I wasn't sad to be leaving this time.I hope that this doesn't mean that I have detached myself from the whole relationship with the family. I didn't feel right this time but then again with the holidays almost over and other life situations playing out I may just be tired. I feel weird about my relationship as a birthmom right now. I question where I fit into the whole scheme of things. I guess I may be asking that question for the next 15 years.I may just be content with the situation and realize that pulling away is normal right now, being we are heading into year 4.Being a birthmom difficult alone but you really do not have any role models to look up too. Every situation os different and you have no set rules you can follow. I guess we as birthmoms today will have to lay the ground work for those who will follow us into this always changing,bitter sweet adventure they call adoption....
Happy New Year!!!
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Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Ramblings on adoption
It has been a while since I posted anything. Having celebrated little man's 3rd birthday the 1st of October had put me in somewhat of a funk. I love spending time with him & his family but it is also so bittersweet for me. I look at him & think "He came from me what at the same time he is a stranger to me.I have an open adoption but at times I think would it be easier to just have pics & updates???? I hate good-byes & I suffer for a few days after. Being that his b-day is so soon before the holidays it seems like I have alot of emotions spinning in my head for the next few months...
I feel bad even thinking of never having a visit for ??? because so many women have no chance of a visit or are even given that choice... I ponder which is harder....Open or closed.. I thank God for having the relationship I have with him & his family but I know that harder times are ahead for me.. He will begin to really understand how I fit into his life and then the why's..Not looking forward tto having to tell him "why" he is better off where he is instead of being with his bio parents.
I see alot of pics of him with his family on Facebook & I see the love his family for him but at the same time I get so sad. It is hard for me to look at his pics sometimes. I have said before & it is worth repeating again "I wish I never had to make the choice I did" To choose adoption was taking unfortunate circumstances and making it into a positive...
The holidays are hard but to have a child you decide not to parent makes it even harder.I find myself thinking of him often but not as often as I did in the beginning. Because I have this secret I can't share him with anyone else but my blog & a few friends on Facebook (but even then I have taken an alias).I know the pain I felt in the beginning of my journey with placing my child is not what I feel now but it still hurts & I am sure the pain is ebb & flow for the rest of my life.Being a birthmom is a life sentence we decide to enter into ourselves..We know we are walking into the unknown but hope for the best.. I know for sure that since this all happened I really have changed.. My thoughts about simple everyday things have changed, I look at situations very differently. I think what the years ahead have in store for me.. Before I thought of only the next week or the next month. I wonder where my relationship will be with my son as he gets older. I wonder what he will REALLY think of me. Will he accept me with disdain?? No matter how loving his parents are he is an individual and he will be his own person in his thoughts & feelings.. Sounds like I am really getting ahead of myself right?????
I feel bad even thinking of never having a visit for ??? because so many women have no chance of a visit or are even given that choice... I ponder which is harder....Open or closed.. I thank God for having the relationship I have with him & his family but I know that harder times are ahead for me.. He will begin to really understand how I fit into his life and then the why's..Not looking forward tto having to tell him "why" he is better off where he is instead of being with his bio parents.
I see alot of pics of him with his family on Facebook & I see the love his family for him but at the same time I get so sad. It is hard for me to look at his pics sometimes. I have said before & it is worth repeating again "I wish I never had to make the choice I did" To choose adoption was taking unfortunate circumstances and making it into a positive...
The holidays are hard but to have a child you decide not to parent makes it even harder.I find myself thinking of him often but not as often as I did in the beginning. Because I have this secret I can't share him with anyone else but my blog & a few friends on Facebook (but even then I have taken an alias).I know the pain I felt in the beginning of my journey with placing my child is not what I feel now but it still hurts & I am sure the pain is ebb & flow for the rest of my life.Being a birthmom is a life sentence we decide to enter into ourselves..We know we are walking into the unknown but hope for the best.. I know for sure that since this all happened I really have changed.. My thoughts about simple everyday things have changed, I look at situations very differently. I think what the years ahead have in store for me.. Before I thought of only the next week or the next month. I wonder where my relationship will be with my son as he gets older. I wonder what he will REALLY think of me. Will he accept me with disdain?? No matter how loving his parents are he is an individual and he will be his own person in his thoughts & feelings.. Sounds like I am really getting ahead of myself right?????
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