Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ramblings on adoption

It has been a while since I posted anything. Having celebrated little man's 3rd birthday the 1st of October had put me in somewhat of a funk. I love spending time with him & his family but it is also so bittersweet for me. I look at him & think "He came from me what at the same time he is a stranger to me.I have an open adoption but at times I think would it be easier to just have pics & updates???? I hate good-byes & I suffer for a few days after. Being that his b-day is so soon before the holidays it seems like I have alot of emotions spinning in my head for the next few months...
I feel bad even thinking of never having a visit for ??? because so many women have no chance of a visit or are even given that choice... I ponder which is harder....Open or closed.. I thank God for having the relationship I have with him & his family but I know that harder times are ahead for me.. He will begin to really understand how I fit into his life and then the why's..Not looking forward tto having to tell him "why" he is better off where he is instead of being with his bio parents.
I see alot of pics of him with his family on Facebook & I see the love his family for him but at the same time I get so sad. It is hard for me to look at his pics sometimes. I have said before & it is worth repeating again "I wish I never had to make the choice I did" To choose adoption was taking unfortunate circumstances and making it into a positive...
The holidays are hard but to have a child you decide not to parent makes it even harder.I find myself thinking of him often but not as often as I did in the beginning. Because I have this secret I can't share him with anyone else but my blog & a few friends on Facebook (but even then I have taken an alias).I know the pain I felt in the beginning of my journey with placing my child is not what I feel now but it still hurts & I am sure the pain is ebb & flow for the rest of my life.Being a birthmom is a life sentence we decide to enter into ourselves..We know we are walking into the unknown but hope for the best.. I know for sure that since this all happened I really have changed.. My thoughts about simple everyday things have changed, I look at situations very differently. I think what the years ahead have in store for me.. Before I thought of only the next week or the next month. I wonder where my relationship will be with my son as he gets older. I wonder what he will REALLY think of me. Will he accept me with disdain?? No matter how loving his parents are he is an individual and he will be his own person in his thoughts & feelings.. Sounds like I am really getting ahead of myself right?????

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