Monday, October 11, 2010

3 years ......

I never thought I would be in such a sad state right now...
Attended the birthday party. I held it together but it was hard.
Everytime I look in those eyes I can't help but wonder what could of been.
I feel like I repeat myself so much but I don't regret my decision but at the same time I wish things could of been different.
I know that he has everything I couldn't give him & he has the life I wish I had had growing up.Yes, I feel good about where he is but I wish I could be the one who was his mother. Whew!! That was a revelation!!
On another note, I had a nice chat with a-mom. I told her of my fears of things changing in our open adoption, why I chose adoption & how grateful I was for what a great mom she was.
When I first explained why we chose adoption it was taken at face value but now that we have had time together with the children, she said I was great with the kids etc.. True but that is a few hours versus 24 hours a day. Funny how things look normal but inside you know that you can't pull it off.I will never regret my decision & am at peace with who his parents are but like I have said all along "I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE SUCH A DECISION AS TO PARENT OR NOT TO PARENT..
Parenting to me is the most important job you could ever be asked to do. I think that some people take it lightly. Not me.. Do I think I lack the skills it takes to be a good parent You Bet!!
I look forward to being a part of my son's life but not as his parent. It is difficult to be a birthmom because we have no manual on what not to do or what to expect..I hope that as time goes on things will get easier....

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