My life as..........

I know this post will be long & alot of it will be unrelated to my life as a birthmom but I think it is important because the 2 seem to be intertwined.
My son had just turned 1 and I was having a real hard time dealing with it. I hadn't had any visits up to this time (of my own choice)& had finally decided I was ready so we had a visit planned for December.
I got a phone call form my mom telling me my brother was in the hospital(not the first time)& she wanted me to see what was going on. My brother is an alcoholic & I had refused to be a part of that. As in my previous posts I had mentioned my mom DID NOT come when I gave birth. She couldn't be there because I wasn't going to parent.She wasn't against the adoption itself though.
After not answering her calls she decided to get on the next flight. My brother was in very critical condition. Was in a coma etc...Fast forward a few weeks.. She was here for 2 weeks, sat with him EVERYDAY.After she left he came out of the coma & was then transferred to a rehab.Here I am trying to deal with missing my son & I trying to help my mom with my brother. Now the rest is just history.I had to be appointed his guardian because he was unstable etc.. I became his mother in a sense. I was in contact with someone who was caring for him almost everyday.I took on ALL the responsiblities of securing him care,etc...
Oh ya,I was a grieving mother but I didn't really have time to think about my grief for my son. My grief was directed at my brother. He has really screwed his life up & I was the only one who could help him.I felt like I was his mother!!My siblings & my mom live far away so I had no other support. I think in the beginning I liked the idea of having something to take my mind off of myself but 2 years later I have come to realize that I just supressed that grief & it became intertwined with the issues I was dealing with at the time.
I get mad at the fact that my mom depends on me to do the job she should be doing. He is her child!! I feel like I should be farther in my adoption journey as far as grief. I want to be able to talk about my story or even discuss my adoption experience with others without shedding tears. I know I have pushed all of this down & now it is apparent to me....
The conclusion to this saga with my brother is he is moving to be closer to family members. I will finally be able to focus more on me. It is almost like the 2 are one & the same so it will be interesting to see where I take this.

workplace no no's

As the 3rd birthday of my little dude draws near I think of all of the things I can't do at work.
Most people have pictures of their children.. They display these pictures proudly on their desk.
I can't do that.. I can't talk about how much he has grown,quirky things he does, his friends etc...
I can't talk about the awesome phone call I got the other day from him. I can't talk about the plans for his birthday...
I feel like I have this big secret I carry around inside of me & it you look at me close enough you can see it written on my face.I am careful of my conversations with my co-workers when it comes to things outside of work. It is hard to keep those 2 things seperate at times.
I know I should feel good about being who I am & what a great life I chose for my son but society doesn't look at us as women who has done such a wonderful thing for their child. Co-workers may pat you on the back or embrace you & say "wow" what a great thing you did & walk away and think "she just gave her baby away "WOW".My secret life as a birthmom is because we are made to feel less than a caring human being.
I will end this post thinking of all of the pictures I wish I could have on my desk at work so when I am having "one of those days" I could look at that sweet cute face & I know a smile would come to my face & all would be better. All I have is to try to put a picture of him in my mind & know it will get better..............

Last year I went to the Birth Mom Buds Birthmother's Day. I have a t-shirt from that awesome weekend. I wore it home that day. I haven't worn it since. I look at it hanging in my closet,wondering when I will be able to wear it again....
Today was that day!! Now I have to say that my community is small so I don't feel confident in wearing it in public but I wore it out for my day at the late shore. I saw a few people who were trying to read my shirt. My heart pounded when I thought they may ask me questions but I had already decided to be honest...
These are my baby steps in My Secret Life as a Birthmom.