Christmas 2010

I had a visit last night with kiddo. I was anxious (as always) but not like I have been in the past. I was there to celebrate his b-day the first of October so it hadn't been very long since I had seen him.
I enjoyed myself. Playing with kiddo & his younger sister. I can't get over how big he has gotten since he had his tonsils out in October.I am somewhat numb. I was ready to leave, chatted for a few minutes and was off.This visit was a little different for me than the others.I wasn't sad to be leaving this time.I hope that this doesn't mean that I have detached myself from the whole relationship with the family. I didn't feel right this time but then again with the holidays almost over and other life situations playing out I may just be tired. I feel weird about my relationship as a birthmom right now. I question where I fit into the whole scheme of things. I guess I may be asking that question for the next 15 years.I may just be content with the situation and realize that pulling away is normal right now, being we are heading into year 4.Being a birthmom difficult alone but you really do not have any role models to look up too. Every situation os different and you have no set rules you can follow. I guess we as birthmoms today will have to lay the ground work for those who will follow us into this always changing,bitter sweet adventure they call adoption....
Happy New Year!!!