Today I thought about where I am on my journey as a birthmom. No, I am not where I want to be. I thought that I would be farther than I am, 3 years later. I hate that I tear up everytime I talk about Dylan or tell my "story". I know I have alot of unresolved emotions about the adoption. I was so very strong about the adoption, right up until the birth. After the birth I seemed to become another person.
I don't regret one aspect of the adoption I just wish that I didn't have to make such a decision. I feel guilt. I have never been one to walk away form a difficult decision. Choosing adoption wasn't an easy decision but at the same time I was 21 weeks pregnant, I didn't have 9 months to decide. I felt like I was using the express lane when it came to making a choice to either parent or choose adoption. Knowing that I will never have another child may have something to do withit but I wish I could get through a conversation without wanting to cry. I truly love Dylan's parents & I know I made the right decision but DANG!! I should be able to get over telling my story.