Shame

I know alot of birthmoms regret that they were unable to parent their child. Some were young & neither had the resources or support to raise a child. I understand. When you hear of someone who chooses adoption they usually fall somewhere in that category.
When I decided to choose adoption the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I still feel guilty & I don't think I ever will get over it. Here I was, a healthy, happy, employed, in a committed relationship & I couldn't parent my child??
I have many reasons but one of them was "our" ages. I didn't want to be old & running behind a toddler. B-dad is 7 years older than I am so age was even a bigger concern. He too is healthy, happy, employed but.....
I know I have been asked "WHY" alot, especialy when I tell people (adoption forums, blogs)my story & my age. They just assume because I wasn' a teenager why did I think adoption was the right choice..
I sometimes think that maybe I should of given it more thought but I don't know how to get beyond it.I question yself almost everyday, "did I do the right thing"? Did I take the easy way out (parenting is a hard job).I guess I thought the pain & grief would be short lived compared to raising a child for 18 + years but ????? Some days my pain is so fresh, it feels like it was yesterday!! Do I regret my decision? NO! Do I wish I never had to make the decision I did?? YES!! Would I do anything different?? NEVER!!
I do wish though, that I could of been more up front with my decision of adoption. I think being able to share with others helps with the pain. We walk around with a huge hole in our heart,but we have to put on a happy face for others because we don't want them to know why we are so sad. Adoption has changed but the one thing that hasn't is the SHAME!!!