Thursday, August 26, 2010

I have thought about where I am now versus where I was after the birth of my son.
When I first realized that I was pregnant I wanted to crawl under a rock & hide until after the birth. WHY??? Not because I was ashamed or didn't love my child but what was ahead of me. I work where your life is everyone's business (if you let it). I knew that I was making the best decision for my child but I didn't want to explain to everyone at work my decision. I know that it wouldn't be accepted & I didn't need that stress. I just never spoke of my ever expanding belly. Hence the saying "the elephant in the room", I was the elephant. I had people whispering about my condition. I had one girl ask me are you pregnant? My reply: No, I am just fat. I was always on guard....
I was worried that a co-worker would have a baby shower for me. Everytime someone looked like they wanted to ask me a question I would walk away or act like I was mad so they wouldn't approach me. I felt so good about my decision but not good enough to share it?? I actually had to go to human resources to complain that my "personal business" was my business & I was tired of people asking questions on my condition.
My heart sank everytime a birth announcement was posted by a fellow co-worker. I knew I wasn't going to do that either. Some people would ask me what I was having or when I was due (those people did not work close to me so they have no idea the cold shoulder I was giving off.
One thing that happened (or didn't) was the fact that I live in a small town & not one of my extended family members or friends ever came over or did I run into them while I was out running errands. I didn't actualy hide form people it just happened that our paths never crossed (divine intervention) I believe so. The hard part for me was going back to work. I didn't bring my baby to work to show off to my co-workers, I didn't bring pictures to share or brag what a good baby he was..Tears are forming just writing those words. It hurt to not have a baby to bring home but to not be able to share the awesome family he had hurt too.
I actually only told 3 people of my plans. My mom was 1 of the 3 & the only family member that knew. Today my sister can be added to that list & she just found out earlier this year. The internet has opened up the world of adoption for me. I would of never found the support without it...
Will I ever feel that I can share my decision of adoption with others ???

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